The Passive Aggressive story ….. There’s someone I vaguely know who has been getting me really frustrated recently with, well just the way she is! She comes across as ok, a bit wet if I’m honest but ok. The thing is she just doesn’t perform very well. . She will arrive late, not really pull her weight and giggles alot. It drives me mad! I get so frustrated with her and I spend ages trying to figure out just what it is that makes her tick. When I try and get something a bit more firm out of her she gives airy fairy answers just floats away and continues to under-perform. I’m often left fuming and feeling deflated.
I’ve been searching for an explanation and looking at the different management techniques I should employ with her when I started reading more on human behaviours. There are some great studies out there and I’ve realised that she is demonstrating some classic ‘passive aggressive’ behaviour traits.
Passive aggressive behaviour is a deliberate but covert way of expressing anger. It is designed to exert some form of revenge or point scoring on someone for perceived wrongdoing. In some cases people can get pleasure from this aswell as getting the initial anger out of them.
Passive aggressiveness can display itself in various ways, some of these are;
Being consistently late for appointments or meet ups.
Not doing well at something in order for their failures to reflect negatively not on them but on their ‘friends’ or supervisors.
Appearing to be accommodating to your requests but not actually doing anything that you ask of them. Nodding in all the right places but not making any push to do a thing.
The thing is about these types of behaviours is that the person will generally deny any knowledge of wrongdoing and be mock offended by any kind of finger pointing in their direction. If you’re not careful you can come off looking pretty bad in any direct confrontation so be careful!
I’ve often wondered what this really means and I was having a discussion recently where I realised that this form of bullying or control mechanism over others is more widely used than you might think.
It could be that we feel a negative thought and instead of coming right out and saying it in a constructive or direct way, we instead say something which will subtly get our point across without leading to conflict…or at least we hope. The thing is, this type of behaviour can leave the person we are directing it to hurt and without a course of action. It can be useful to the giver but to the person receiving it it can bring them down which it is designed to do, usually with more questions in their mind than a direct comment.
Whether in the workplace, social situations or in the home, I think there are many instances that go by that we pass off as ‘normal’ when we are subjected to comments or actions designed to belittle us. We must try to be aware of our own actions and stay true to our values. Being frustrated at another persons personality will not be sufficient to change it.
Have you come across any of these traits or instances? How did it make you feel and did you manage to sort anything out?
Yes! It’s exactly like the person is trying to exert control over you. Urggg…. I have been on the receiving end of this for months now. It’s all sorting itself out though now. I don’t think people realise how it effects people. Thanks for sharing with the #dreamteam 🙂
I think we can al be guilty of this at times, and I find myself doing it sometimes too. It’s not a nice trait, I agree! #DreamTeam
I think I can be guilty of this at times, usually with my mum and sisters if I’m honest but usually when I am upset and never for long. I do know when I’m doing it and tend to go quiet and withdraw so as not to make things worse. As I know what it is like being on the receiving end when someone is trying to score points off me and make me feel bad. I’m a work in progress #kcacols
Well put and I think that you’re right for many of us being a work in progress. It’s that which can set us apart from people who do this with intention and don’t think twice about it. Thanks for your comments, Mainy
‘Appearing to be accommodating to your requests but not actually doing anything that you ask of them. Nodding in all the right places but not making any push to do a thing.’
This frustrates me so much! If you agree and make it sounds like you’re going to, why not do it? If you’re not going to, just be honest. Don’t just nod in all the right places and agree if you don’t mean it. Grr!
Passive-aggressiveness is quite scary and as you say can put you in situations where you could come off as bad if you’re not careful.
#Mainyloveseaster
Really interesting post and so well written, I hadn’t thought about it, but it does make you start to notice it more after reading this. #mg
What a great post. It really made me think… I would have to say I’m a little guilty of this!
#KCACOLS
Thanks Laura, I’m glad it was good to read:) Mainy
Right, I am someone who can be passive aggressive, aggressive (not often) and assertive. The one that annoys me the most about myself is the first one. But we all do it, I swear. I love the FB passive aggressors. I can spot them a mile off. Thanks for sharing with #globalblogging
Thanks and it’s so good to have the distinctions between the different types of assertions. There are so many and they all can have their place.
I’m guilty of this at times – but I try hard not to! Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday
What an eye opening post! It makes you think about your own behaviour and the behaviours of those around you. Especially the ones you might be having a difficult time with! Thanks for sharing with us! #globalblogging
I guess we all tend to travel into this dangerous territory now and again. Thanks for posting this and helping me to raise my own antennae on this behavior! #mg
You’re welcome and we all dip our toe occasionally.
And re-reading, reinforcing and tweeting from #dreamteam xo
Oh I will claim this one too!
Not my best quality…
I hate to admit it but I can be passive aggressive too, I didn’t realise until I read your post.
#mg
Oh I am so guilty of this. This is a fab post, one I can relate to xx
I used to be awful for being passive aggressive as I hate confrontation – but as I’ve aged (haha) I’ve learned to take the bull by the horns. It has made me a far nicer person and I think, actually, most people prefer it when you call a spade a spade, you know what I mean?
Great post #mainyloveseaster
Yep I do, it’s great when we can be straightforward and to the point and it always gives me a big boost if I do that.
I think I can be guilty of this. I hate having arguments so I’m probably a bit passive aggressive at times. I’m working on it though! #KCACOLS
Great post this is also something that really bothers me , it’s happening more and more and this post really makes you think about it #mainlyloveseaster
thanks lianne x
Hmmm I think my mum is passsive aggressive. I’m more subversive 🙂 #mainyloveseaster
It’s interesting when you start to think about it isnt it. I know that I see it more around me now because of writing this post.
I think we can all be a little guilty of this. I definitely know a few people who use this kind of action to get there own way!
#MainylovesEaster
Yes it’s around quite a bit. Thanks for commenting, Mainy
Oh dear, i’m so guilty of this, especially since the kids came along!! Great post 🙂 #mainyloveseaster
Found your blog via twitter. Hah, I think I can be passive aggressive at times, but I don’t get pleasure out of it, just a way to express my frustration. You are right, it comes out easier than I’d like it to. Hard one…
#Mainlyloveseaster
Happy that you found me and lovely to hear from you. Yep, it’s a hard one and so so easy to do. mainy x